Its ok to FEEL.

I can't begin to imagine or understand this kind of loss.  I remember so vividly when I tuned into this delicate and heart wrenching experience in my friends life.  It was when Mayci was just a few weeks old and was keeping Shawn and I up  from 8pm - 3am screaming.  Colic.  It was difficult to say the least BUT...how embarrassing to even think to complain.  I remember those nights so vividly.  Holding, rocking, feeding, stroking, consoling, humming, cuddling, loving, and crying.  A lot of crying.  Not for me.  But for my distant friend.  Who had this precious baby enter the gates of Heaven - taken from her arms and place so tenderly into our Heavenly Fathers - in just a blink.

As I stated earlier - I can't even begin to fathom the pain.  Confusion. Heart ache. Sorrow. Anger. Anxiety. Fear.  And all other feelings that I am not even equipped to list - because I have not been there.

BUT

As she states in this post - as she approaches this day - its a welcomed respite from routine?!
Although I don't have a day in my personal life that is tattooed on my heart that makes me FEEL this kind of pain...
I read her words and FEEL what I can with her.  I cry.  Big tears.  In my efforts to empathize with her.  I think of her.
And I am brought back to my own experiences of when this day happened for my friend.
And I am more grateful on this day than on most others - for my life.

The effort in empathizing.  The effort in feeling...for others...can wake those deep feelings and emotions that are otherwise not felt because of the daily routines of life.  I am grateful for this post...and really every one of her posts...because of her ability to wake me emotionally almost every.single.day.

But this one specifically answered something Ive always asked myself.
And Shawn will ask me too... 'Why? Why are you watching this Farrah?"
It could be a documentary on 9-11...
or a real life tragedy...
that will cause tears to stream down my face - but I can't stop watching.

Maybe this is why.  Its an effort to feel with others.  Feel their pain.  Feel those emotions that are otherwise asleep.  Realize there is a world beyond the one you live in everyday.
And feel empathy.  Think of them...not yourself.  Pray for them.
And then be ever more grateful.

I love you Natalie.
I think of you today.
And of your precious perfect baby Gavin.
And despite the pain you must feel - you still inspire.
Its a real gift straight from God.
And Im grateful everyday for it...and so are millions.
xoxo

Evan and Austin.

Why does this make me want to cry?!
I got some snap chats from Karalee at midnight last night and when I opened them...
I welled up with real big tears.

I can FULLY understand - although I don't have teenagers yet and until then I can't say that I COMPLETELY understand - that when people say enjoy them while they are young - that is goes SO  fast -
THIS SAYS ALL OF THAT!

Oh I miss that face.  Those cheeks.  Those hands.

Today and for as long as I possibly can, I will enjoy the NOW more fully and completely.
Because in a flash - ITS GONE!

Austin.  Really.
Look at those two.
Oh my heart.

Cousins. Friends. And lunch dates!

Had Cole over one morning.
Wesly had a grand ol' time making Cole laugh in these chairs.
It was cute to hear them 'play'.
Although she is still in the - " s'mine! " phase.
Translation: Thats mine!!!
And I mean EVERYTHING is hers!
 

SELFIE!
Shawn had literally walked through the door from flying in -
And we shuffled him right back out.
Off to the Annual Chili Cookoff.
I was robbed...guess my 'googled' chili can't win 1st every year.
The ward stepped up their game in the activities though!
Shawn was in charge of the 4-wheeler.
Wesly screamed when she had to take turns : (

I spy: Mayci. Porter. Cash. Lily. Kade. And T-Money!
All of Maycis close buddies - and a few cousins...got to see the firetrucks for a field trip.
And Miss Amy got to put all the gear on.
She rocks!!

I got to meet Evan for lunch this day.
Happened to be crazy hair day.
His won.
Love this boy more than words can say.

Great company.
#not
: )

Its about time! FALL!!!

I was hoping to rope someone into climbing the Y with me this weekend...not thinking Shawn would be around!
To my surprise - HE WAS!
And ended up being the lucky candidate to carry the over 40 pound pack up and down!
It was glorious.
I love this family I call my own!  Weird to see me in the pic : )

Perfect day...right?!

Loving dads company.
And Evans walking stick -
that the kids ended up fighting over it and sitting on the trail for a small time out...
but we won't mention that ever happened cause kids don't fight when they are supposed to be having fun...right?!
Stick got tossed back up into its family of trees...thank you stick.

Still haven't gotten enough of this goodness.
I could live in the mountains.
I really think I could...with the help of Shawns hunting skills...and some deodorant...Id be good.
Tinfoils. Smores. Fire. Stars. Fresh crisp air -
and 2 loads of laundry each trip.
Still worth it.

Wesly got to know uncle Coulton a little better.

So did Evan.  He really took an interest in Coultons beard.  Couldn't stop petting him.
Guess with the BYU job - he can't remember dad with anything but a little stubble.

Beautiful sister. We Love her.

A different trip.
A perfect picture.
Another 2 loads of laundry : )
I make the kids strip in the laundry room before they enter the house.
I love the smell of campfires - but not in there sheets!

A Sunday adventure to Tibblefork.
Getting colder - So we panic.
We try to capture every last bit of fresh air minus the snow!

Another night of tinfoils.
This time I pre-cooked them so we could just warm them and eat quickly.
Its torturous to wait:)
>>>I promise Elsies face didn't get 1st degree burns<<<
By the looks of this pic...Im not sure how she didn't!

Happenings lately.

Went to the store and she insisted I take a picture of her with LONG hair!
She begged for this hat...but she lost:)

Finally made it to the Museum of Curiosity << forgot the real name of it >> and it was a hit.
Unfortunately we went when everyone else did so every section we hit we had to shuffle out of for the next in line.
BUT
on a mellow day -
my kids could spend 12 hours there no problem.

Play Date Time!
A neighbor and I swap days and it is fantastic.  These two could play everyday.  All day.
I walked down to check on them and found them fully immersed in there 'puppet show.'
I couldn't get over their audience of dolls and stuffed animals.
TOO CUTE.
 >> If you noticed Evan...he came home from school sick.  Then suddenly started feeling better.  Strange huh?! <<

This girl, Mayci Jo Jo, is a tender mom at heart.  ALREADY!
The kitchen chair fell on Wes and pinned her to the floor.
I ran to her aide and sat with her on my lap.
Mayci quickly provided her sad little sister with all of her loves.
A blanky.  Her bottle.  And a binki.
She was so sweet.  And so worried about her.
She stood right there and rubbed her little head till Wes stopped crying.
Im already so grateful for her when she turns 12!!  : )

Wes has always been shy in photos.
Seeing Mayci HERE smile - when I said "SMILE" . . .

Wesly quickly jumped in and wanted part of the action!

So I took advantage.

Mayci was so excited for her aunt Kobie to babysit -
She set out a line of bedtime books for her to read.
Im sure Kobie was thrilled.

Doesn't get any cuter.
>> DUH <<

Oh wait...maybe it does.
Not me - of course.
Look at her smile.
Just cruisin' on Alpine Slide.
If anyone knows Wes - this smile means she just couldn't contain herself.  She has a way of hiding her smile.  Even at the funniest - most fun - thing ever.

Like this here...for example.  Not a single smile.
But loved every minute of it.
And so did I.

I am so blessed to have such great neighbors - that are more than neighbors!
They are friends.
Beautiful people...inside and out.
I fully believe that we landed here where we did with careful care and compassion -
Straight from the Heavens.

>> BLESSED <<

This was a morning hike up the Timp trail.
A short 1.5 miles up - but my hips sure are feelin' it.
L . O . V . E
Best time of year to enjoy this weather.
It was beautiful.

Evans wheels are always turnin'

We were running around town the other night...Evan and I.  We passed a homeless man.  Here is the conversation that followed:

Evan: "Mom.  Do homeless guys ever get jobs?"

Me: "Ya.  I think so."  "Why?"

Evan:  "So...if they get a job then they get a home...right?"

Me: "Im sure they try to.  Why?"

Evan:  "Well...then they wouldn't be homeless.  But...hmmm...they would be home-home?  Or home-alot?  Uhhhh...mom.  What would they be called?

~As Im listening to him try to figure out what someone who once was homeless - finds a job - earns money - and buys a home is called...I had to ponder myself a bit...trying to figure out what he was getting at.  I got it!

I said:  "Evan! Wouldn't they be called home-more?!"

Evan:  "Huh.  Home more?" ~thinking....~  "OH YA!  Home-more.  Because more is the opposite of less.  Ya.  Home-more."

>>> Genius <<<

Back 2 School...for real?!!

Hmmmm.
I think Ill use this shot instead of his professional school picture...only because...
ITS CLOSER!
He received a blessing from his dad the night before school started and it was so sweet:
He has a strong sweet heart.
AND
He will use his big heart for good.
Basically, that is all I needed to hear.
Sometimes I fear that because his heart is so soft I worry he would be a good candidate for bullying.
When I heard it was strong...
I sighed a bit in relief.
This guy is gonna do good things in this world.
I can't express the love my heart holds for this face...and the soul that lies just behind those bright blue eyes.
-gulp-

Ummmm.
She is so beautiful.  Inside and out.
This girl - she is really blossoming into somethin' else.
Her blessing:
You will befriend those who have few or none.

-tears-

Day 1.
She befriended a new girl that had just moved here from Spanish Fork.
She sat with her at lunch.
And did what she wanted to at recess.

Heavenly Father definitely used this precious little angel on Earth to help one of His other little angels on her first day of school...in a new place...with no friends.

This new gal fell right into Raegans lap just hours before Raegan received her blessing.
We went to 'back-to school' to meet teachers and she happened to be in front of us.
They looked lost.  I asked if they were new.  We showed them around.  And then we parted ways.
I challenged Rae and asked her to be Avery's first friend and stay with her on her first day of school.

2 hours later...through Shawns blessing and straight from Heavenly Father...this challenge was foreseen from Him and made for a great blessing and a great tool to build a testimony on.
She did it without hesitation...and with a big smile.

Its hard to find words.  Im just so proud of her.

 

Big kids!!
Making this world a better place!!
I love them.

And now its just these two!
Oh the love?!  Why are they so good with each other?!

Im so blessed.

They play.
All day.
With very few cries.

Cant complain.

Here they are...enjoying the rain together : )

LAKE POWELL

Im making it a goal of mine to PLAN.
AND COMMIT.
I can say it is a major weakness of mine.  Both:  Planning~And committing.
I overthink and overanalyze.
It drives others crazy.  I know it does.
But it drives me the MOST crazy.
So...Ive learned that planning eases a lot of stress, and committing eases a lot of anxiety.
<<< SO >>>
This may have been the first 'planned' vacation to California.
Bear Lake Family Reunion was planned...with the help of the whole family : )
And I committed to Lake Powell once I knew Shawn could go.

Well.
Plans changed...Shawn dropped a BOMB on me and said he couldn't go...
I immediately found myself in the stress and anxiety mode of not knowing what to do, when to leave, how to get there, why go, why NOT go, leave Wes, I can't leave Wes, I want to go so bad, but...

I went.

After a few days of mulling over every option:
Leave Thursday with B ~ But that only gives us 2 days?
Leave Wes with Shawn ~ But can I?
Stay and spend time with dad because its his last week of freedom ~ But its Lake Powell?!
Go to Lake Powell by myself ~ BUT ITS LAKE POWELL ~ Oh the stress of what could happen?!
I only have 2 eyes!
But so many people will help!
But that doesn't always really happen!

And so on. And so on. And so on.
~see what i mean - over think. over analyze~

* * * * * * * *

I prayed.

My biggest concern going without Shawn was the safety of my kids and whether I was up for the task of keeping watch on 3 little ones day AND night for a full week.  In the middle of a lake.  Where all you hear about is kids drowning!
And boating accidents.
And drunk drivers.
Because Heaven forbid anything good come on the news!!!

After I prayed ~ an overwhelming peace came over me that whatever I did decide to do, my family would be safe.

BOOM!

Decision made.

I left Wes with Shawn.  I packed up the other 3.  And knew we would be ok.  I committed and went with it.
And it felt so good.  And it was one of the best decisions Ive made.
My kids were in Heaven.
They will never forget our trip to Lake Powell.  The freedom of living when you are there is - hard to beat.
No concept of time. No rush. Very little cleaning.  Very little dressing : ) A lot of sun.  Water.  Boating.  Tubing.  Sand.  Cliff jumping.  Cave exploring.  Star gazing.  Laughing.  Eating.  Family. Not much sleeping : )  A little anxiety...not gonna lie.

But overall...my favorite place on Earth...and every one of my kids said it was the best thing they did all summer.
I can thank the Heavens only for this one.

These are memories that will last forever.

SO
On our last day there...this group of 4 realized that we hadn't been on the tube yet - and for good reason.
Chad.
He was behind the wheel.
And he smiles real big when he sees a white cap while dragging a tube.
Well, we all strapped on our diapers - in case any one of us pooped our suits out of sheer terror -
and gave it a shot.

Below is what happened next:

Pooped our diapers.
Every last one of us.
Bezus - full on back flip
Me - landed right on Bezus face first in the water with no time to shut my eyes
~i think water shot straight into my brain~
Rachel - concussion.  for real.  a bad one.  from Jakes knee
Jake - couldn't walk.  from his knee hitting Rachels head so hard.

Throwing in the tube towel.

Until next year!
REQUIRED:  a helmet.  a full face one.

These two bonded.
This was taken the day we left.
They hiked.
And almost stepped on a Rattle Snake!
My heart skipped a beat when I saw this.  I really love those two people.
The first time we attempted to use that pack was with Mayci.  She refused to get in.
Wes.
Not a peep...for 2 1/2 hours straight.

Shawn even went to Seven Peaks!?!
I was shocked.  And I laughed at the thought of him cruisin' solo...with his baby.
Its a really happy thought.

This is straight from his Instagram.  He was under strict policy NOT to get a sitter to go play - it was part of the deal and it was only so I felt better leaving Wes.
I shoulda known better.
He played.

AND PLAYED SOME MORE.

This was Bezus - shedding some much needed weight of stress and anxiety once he was done with the Bar.

Congrats to Rach and B!  Much deserved success there ~ for both of 'em!! 

Summer!

Evan plays so good with this little baby.  It melts my heart every time it happens. 

After a trip to the ER due to allergies...I thought it would be a good idea to get him tested.
Allergic??
To What??
Of all things:
GRASS!  OF EVERY FLAVOR!
Looks like the girls in this family might be taking care of our lawns every summer...unless we buy a heavy duty mask for this poor kid.

LOVE IT when papa visits.
It was fun having someone to laugh at all day : )

The kids did a couple play groups throughout the summer.  Mayci's preschool teacher is amazing.  She has six kids, teaches 4 DIFFERENT preschool classes, was in the Young Women's, and through the entire summer she helps her older girls earn money by running a morning and afternoon playgroups every Tuesday...implementing hard work and a love and patience for kids.
She really is a ROCK STAR.
I couldn't do it.
So Im really glad she does.
And...a friend of mine a few blocks south has SEVEN kids - from the mission field, college, high school, junior high, and grade school - insane.
I stare at her in amazement.  She too helps her kids run a playgroup.
On the last day of her playgroup...the kids got to ride horses.
It was a dream come true!
These little playgroups gave me a couple hours 2 days of the week to run around town with just Wes.
The $10.00 - WORTH IT!

I might have had pneumonia all summer.
Ok, not really, but I literally had a ~ horrible ~ dry
~ almost choke me to death from coughing so hard but nothing would come up ~
COUGH!
ALL . SUMMER . LONG.
Im just getting back to working out because I would literally cough so much Id end up gagging and barfing after a workout.  Wasn't worth it.
But Evans inhaler came in awfully handy every now and then : )

Cutest little swimmer.
We didn't get up to gramma Ardens pool very much this summer, but when we did, it was a good time!
And sorry, don't mind me in the background ; )
HA!
I wish.
She just runs up mountains to stay in shape.

Wes was napping, Rae and Evan were somewhere, so Mayci got creative.
I went outside to see what she was up to.
All I could hear was:
"Z-bars for sale! Z-bars for sale! Z-bars for sale"
over and over and over.
A good friend of mine drove up and asked Mayci what she was selling and for how much.
Thats when I finally walked out to Mayci.
I was really interested to know how much the z-bars would be.
She said 2 dollars.
I told my friend to pay up!
Mayci earned 2 quarters and wore this smile.
Priceless.

Master wedgie of all time!
I could bite it.

These two.
I went to a neighbors to help clean her house.  Her father had decided that life was too rough and took matters into his own hands, and passed away.  It was so tragic.  And my heart literally still aches when I think of it.  She packed up and took off so fast...and days later her husband was given the difficult task of packing up their 6 kids to follow.  Her kids are all young and so close in age that the amount of time she has to wash blinds or windows or vacuum for that matter is slim.
Anyway ~ my friend summoned the ladies of our ward to gather together and clean her home and stock her kitchen for them while they were away.
My heart burst with joy for the opportunity to feel like I could DO something to help this poor family...so I got a sitter for a few hours and went and washed blinds.
These 2 girls knew little but they knew someone this family loved had died...so they rode over to the house and helped.  When we walked home I saw how they got there.
Rae.  What a slave driver.
I smiled.
Thats safe...right?!

This girl is ready for gymnastics.
Again.
She seriously DOES NOT STOP cartwheeling - hand standing - back walkover ing!
In the meantime she has kicked every one of her family members in the face several times too.
Time for GYM!
I told her she can't quit till she reaches level 7 ~ I don't know what level that is but Im hoping its straight into college!
She really has taken a liking to it and 'just can't help herself' !!
Im excited to see where this goes.
She has committed to at least doing it until she completes a competition...
and Im so good with that.
~she looks so old in this picture~

Got a good laugh when Wes came up the stairs in this.
It just looked so real.

Wesly's face as she stared at the 4th of July fireworks.
We met at my brothers and it was a good show!
That profile!!!
- perfection -

No words.
Harry and Wes.
Match made in Heaven.
Ok...a few words : )

No diaper baby bum getting warm.
Too good.

This is so blurry...but really?!
What a poser!